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Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

Community Leader
Senior Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

Well BT, It looks like you came to the right place. Plenty of discussion and support here.  :]    I hope everything works out for all involved.   


Message 31 of 41
Frequent Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

I'm so sorry you're going through this tough situation.

 

If it were me, the only option I'd be considering is a long-distance relationship at this point. It's clear from your posts that you don't want to move, don't want to breakup, and don't want to stand in her way...so that really only leaves long-distance relationship as an option. If she can't accept it and either decides to stay or initates a breakup herself, then to be honest that's on her and it's her decision.

 

My advice would be to not even consider an option other than long-distance relationship (again unless she makes the decision to stay put or breakup instead) until this crisis with your father is done. At that point you may feel ready to move, or she may have decided she doesn't like the job, or she may be able to transfer somewhere else (either back to Florida or to a new location you'll like better). Anything could happen, but I'd definitely do a trial long-distance thing first. I assume you'll also be visiting each other. Maybe doing that would allow you to get a better feel for whether or not you'd want to move there when the health crisis with your dad is over. Maybe you could even make new friends on your visits and potentially line up a new job. It could be a good thing. You'd have months to ease into it - or determine for sure that it's not an option for you.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

Message 32 of 41
Frequent Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


Broke_Triathlete wrote:

That's where I'm having my dilemma. I know it'd be a great opportunity for her because she really does work hard, but I'm established here and with everything going on to just pick up and leave would be extremely difficult. Especially knowing that I'm going somewhere that I may more than likely not like, no job, no certainty. She's going to be sitting pretty making all that money and advancement, but I won't have anything. I'd feel a little better if our prior converstations about finances were more about becoming one versus separate this, separate that in case something happens in the future, blah blah blah. It's a really unsettling to think about. I feel like I'll be left to fend for myself while she has it made.

 

This morning she said to me, "If you accept me completely you'll accept that we'll have to move from time to time." To me that said, "It doesn't matter what you have going on in your life if you want to be with me then you'll have to drop what you're doing in life from time to time and follow my job around." 


Lots of people have opined on your family situation so I won't address that except to say that I agree with the majority and feel that it's not a good time for you to move.

 

But as I've been-there-done-that when it comes to reluctantly relocating I'd like to share my thoughts.  I will not mince words:  it is a horrible situation to be in.  Even if your SO is incredibly supportive, which my husband is, during low periods you will blame them for "forcing" you to move.  That resentment is poison to a relationship.  If you're at all introspective, you'll realize that you're the one who put yourself in this situation, so you lose confidence.  And lastly, living somewhere you don't like will make you miserable.  I am a very different person now than I was before I moved (might also be a function of my city and getting older).  Maybe you'll be much more resilient than me, but I have a couple of other friends who relocated for relationships; we had very different personalities to start with, but we all ended up less happy (as soon as the divorce papers were signed, one arranged to work off-site and got the heck out of the city!). 

 

Anyway, on to the practicalities:  considering her opinion about sharing financial responsibilities (i.e. she has a what's mine is mine mentality) and the fact that you're the one making all the financial and career sacrifices, I recommend that before you even agree to a move, you two need to hash out details and come to an agreement.  And it may sound cold, but I also suggest putting it in writing.  Believe me, this will go a long way into easing your mind.

 

At the very least you should insist that expenses be divied up based on income (if her salary makes up 80% of your combined income, then she'll shoulder 80% of the rent, food, utilities, entertainment, etc...).  Just so you don't take advantage of the situation, she can specify that you need make a real effort (she can define real and effort) in finding a new job, your responsibilities at home when you're not working, etc...You also need to work out how big decisions will be made -- your situation might be smooth sailing now, but you're currently on "equal" footing, but when she's supporting you in San Antonio, her attitude might change. 

 

Even if you don't draw up a contract, having a serious talk and negotiations about how you will conduct your life in your new situation is necessary.  Do not blow it off thinking it will all work itself out because what happens to you when it doesn't?  You are the one taking on all the risk; she needs to show that she's ready to mitigate them.

 

 

Message 33 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

I've had an opportunity to work with quite a few asian people over the years both in the US and in Japan. It was not unusualy for asian companies to ask employees to accept a multi-year temporary assignment in another location . Typically the spouse (or SO) did not relocate. This situation certainly tested the strength of a relationship.

 

During my, now past, career building years I accepted long term temporary assignments from time to time and some led to permanent re-assignment offers. My DW would come visit and we would check out the area. Only once did I/We accept a relocation offer. Sometimes the location was ok but the job well...sucked. Other times the location left something to be desired.

 

I would suggest considering the long distance relationship option for a year. That way you both can evaluate the location and she can evaluate her job satisfaction. If the relationship can't handle the time apart well... perhaps it's not strong enough to weather other trials and tribulations either.

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Message 34 of 41
Valued Member

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

I agree with the majority - no to the move (at least for a while).  If / When she takes the new job, she does not truly know about it, the management, working conditions / environment; so, she could actually find herself in an "up the creek" type of situation.  Additionally, there is the issue of the new city and whatnot.  Therefore, she should go alone for at least 6 to 12 months (get a small place to lease on short terms) to see if the new job will work out.  If not, she has a ready fallback position with you (place to live, etc.).  The two of you will just have to deal with a long distance relationship for a while... After a year, or two, figure out where to go from there (and maybe not lose money on the condo resale if you do move).

 

That said... You initial reactions should concern you with regards to the relationship - which clearly state "do not move" (especially right now).

 

Finally, everyone missed a somewhat remote possibility for you (depends upon conditions which you have not stated).  Your job could turn into more. If you have been with the family biz for so long, treated as family, and depending upon there own kids's abilities and desires; you could eventually have the opportunity to own the store.  This can be a bit of a long-shot; however, I have see this happen several times.  Just food for thought.

 

Cheers

Started Sept. 15, 2016 - Staying approx. 2 years (then house hunting)
Message 35 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


Broke_Triathlete wrote:

elim wrote:

tough situation.

 

can I ask what part of FL and what part of TX?

 

I grew up in Key West and Miami before settling with my family in Sarasota / Bradenton.

 

Texas would be nice in the city I think but ehh... probably not for me


Sure we're in Tampa and the destination would be San Antonio. I already dislike the summers here (I run hot while she runs cold) I have to have the air down low at night because I sweat so easily, etc. Sarasota and Bradenton are awesome areas. I've done a few triathlons in Long Boat Key and that is a gorgeous area!


Love that area! I go to Clearwater usually for vacation from Pittsburgh.  It would be hard to move. I've never been to Texas, and I hear it isn't bad there, but from what I've seen in the area you are already in, that's a decent difference, at least for me. From being along the coast and so on, to more of an urban setting.  Obviously you must do what is best for the situation overall.

                                                                  

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Message 36 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

I'm sorry I've been a way the last few weeks as a lot of stuff has happened both with my fiance, myself and my family.

 

First, good news. We're staying! She went up north for a week to train someone who is doing her position up there and she said she had a lot of time to think. She turned down the job while she was up there but didn't tell me until she got back. She said that she couldn't ask me to leave my family in their time of need, and also she doesn't really want to deal with the drunk people in the food and beverage department. So I was very relived, but also concerned that she really wanted that herself and not based on my situation. She confirmed and said to not think otherwise. So good news is I'll still be posting on the forums from Florida!!

 

Second, my dad started expressing that he didn't want to go to chemo anymore because he didn't want to deal with the bus anymore, which I understand. It takes him about 2 hours to go 20 minutes down the road, each way. Plus with chemo he feels like utter crap all the time. So I went out and bought myself a new car last week (a CPO 15 Buick LaCrosse Premium) and was able to give him my old dependable paid for Jeep. I am also paying for his insurance so it's nothing out of pocket to him. I told him I want the truck back one way or the other so to let me know about any issues so I can fix it. He started balling because I know how much it helped with him and what he has to deal with. Plus, it'll help me out because now I don't have to travel the full 45 minutes each way to see my parents on the weekend. Now they can come my way some of the time!

 

Third, my dad's dad passed away on Saturday afternoon. My dad is devastated because he wasn't able to get up to Boston to see his dad one last time. I felt horrible too, but my dad was basically bed ridden so he couldn't get up there. Plus it happened so quickly (Friday he was fine, then Saturday turned for the worst) that he could have no way of knowing it was time. 

 

Fourth, I've been terribly sick with this infection going around. Just left the doc this morning and she gave me a bunch of antibiotics so that's good! The fever/headache/congestion thing really blows. It seems like everyone down here has this going on... I ate half a sub of someone who was sick but didn't bother to tell me after I ate it. Never eating after her again...LOL.

 

Finally, we'll get back to my fiance. I have been looking at entry level Rolexes for a while now (Explorer ii 42mm white face) has been my goal. So last night we're sitting on the couch and she's asking me what models I would like. So I mentioned the Explorer, Submariner, YachtMaster, and the Daytona. She has a presidential given to her by her mother but doesn't know much about the brand so while I was talking to her she said hold on I have to go down stairs. A coworker came over and said she brought me some food from dinner (since I've been sick this last week). She gave me a Maggiano's bag and it was a white box. With it being an italitan place I assumed it was a big lasagna or something. I remove the white cover and it was a Rolex box. I was completely speechless. I asked, "What the hell is this?" My fiance starts tearing up and I open it and it's a 2015 YachtMaster with the gorgeous sunray blue dial. I was completely blown away. I'm still speechless as I'm writing this. That is soooo much money for a watch and she knows that I would never pay that much for a watch. The watch was on consignment at my jewelry store I work at. I showed it to her last week and apparently I made a face like I really want this but would never spend that much on myself, so she bought it for me. She said that I've been doing so much for others that I need to have something nice for myself. Ahh.... the goosebumps!

 

FullSizeRender.jpg

 

 

 

Personal:

Business:


Message 37 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


RM21 wrote:

Broke_Triathlete wrote:

elim wrote:

tough situation.

 

can I ask what part of FL and what part of TX?

 

I grew up in Key West and Miami before settling with my family in Sarasota / Bradenton.

 

Texas would be nice in the city I think but ehh... probably not for me


Sure we're in Tampa and the destination would be San Antonio. I already dislike the summers here (I run hot while she runs cold) I have to have the air down low at night because I sweat so easily, etc. Sarasota and Bradenton are awesome areas. I've done a few triathlons in Long Boat Key and that is a gorgeous area!


Love that area! I go to Clearwater usually for vacation from Pittsburgh.  It would be hard to move. I've never been to Texas, and I hear it isn't bad there, but from what I've seen in the area you are already in, that's a decent difference, at least for me. From being along the coast and so on, to more of an urban setting.  Obviously you must do what is best for the situation overall.


I live literally 10 mintues from clearwater. I love that area of the state. Always something to do. The only part of the year I hate is spring break. Forget going out to the beach or anywhere near there.

 

Personal:

Business:


Message 38 of 41
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

Sorry to hear your grandfather passed awaySmiley Sad... And I hope you are feeling much better health wise.  But what an amazing surprise from your wife.  In a time like this, that kind gesture certainly helps and very thoughtful of her.

Message 39 of 41
Frequent Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


Broke_Triathlete wrote:

I'm sorry I've been a way the last few weeks as a lot of stuff has happened both with my fiance, myself and my family.

 

First, good news. We're staying! She went up north for a week to train someone who is doing her position up there and she said she had a lot of time to think. She turned down the job while she was up there but didn't tell me until she got back. She said that she couldn't ask me to leave my family in their time of need, and also she doesn't really want to deal with the drunk people in the food and beverage department. So I was very relived, but also concerned that she really wanted that herself and not based on my situation. She confirmed and said to not think otherwise. So good news is I'll still be posting on the forums from Florida!!

 

Second, my dad started expressing that he didn't want to go to chemo anymore because he didn't want to deal with the bus anymore, which I understand. It takes him about 2 hours to go 20 minutes down the road, each way. Plus with chemo he feels like utter crap all the time. So I went out and bought myself a new car last week (a CPO 15 Buick LaCrosse Premium) and was able to give him my old dependable paid for Jeep. I am also paying for his insurance so it's nothing out of pocket to him. I told him I want the truck back one way or the other so to let me know about any issues so I can fix it. He started balling because I know how much it helped with him and what he has to deal with. Plus, it'll help me out because now I don't have to travel the full 45 minutes each way to see my parents on the weekend. Now they can come my way some of the time!

 

Third, my dad's dad passed away on Saturday afternoon. My dad is devastated because he wasn't able to get up to Boston to see his dad one last time. I felt horrible too, but my dad was basically bed ridden so he couldn't get up there. Plus it happened so quickly (Friday he was fine, then Saturday turned for the worst) that he could have no way of knowing it was time. 

 

Fourth, I've been terribly sick with this infection going around. Just left the doc this morning and she gave me a bunch of antibiotics so that's good! The fever/headache/congestion thing really blows. It seems like everyone down here has this going on... I ate half a sub of someone who was sick but didn't bother to tell me after I ate it. Never eating after her again...LOL.

 

Finally, we'll get back to my fiance. I have been looking at entry level Rolexes for a while now (Explorer ii 42mm white face) has been my goal. So last night we're sitting on the couch and she's asking me what models I would like. So I mentioned the Explorer, Submariner, YachtMaster, and the Daytona. She has a presidential given to her by her mother but doesn't know much about the brand so while I was talking to her she said hold on I have to go down stairs. A coworker came over and said she brought me some food from dinner (since I've been sick this last week). She gave me a Maggiano's bag and it was a white box. With it being an italitan place I assumed it was a big lasagna or something. I remove the white cover and it was a Rolex box. I was completely speechless. I asked, "What the hell is this?" My fiance starts tearing up and I open it and it's a 2015 YachtMaster with the gorgeous sunray blue dial. I was completely blown away. I'm still speechless as I'm writing this. That is soooo much money for a watch and she knows that I would never pay that much for a watch. The watch was on consignment at my jewelry store I work at. I showed it to her last week and apparently I made a face like I really want this but would never spend that much on myself, so she bought it for me. She said that I've been doing so much for others that I need to have something nice for myself. Ahh.... the goosebumps!

 

FullSizeRender.jpg

 

 

 


Awww! What a lovely surprise!

 

I'm so glad things worked out with her not taking the job, the new car, and this amazing gift from your fiancée! Sounds like things are really looking up for the most part!

 

My condolences about your grandfather's passing, however.

Message 40 of 41