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SO has NOOOOO idea

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SO has NOOOOO idea

I have come to understand that I have an unhealthy relationship with money.


SO is on disability, and limited income.  I have WAY over-extended myself doing things for him, and things I have bought over the years.  I am in a debt managment program and working overtime to just barely keep up. 


Without me, he would be homeless.  He has not relationship with his very alcoholic mother who is his only living relative.


He has NO IDEA how stressed I am about money, and NO IDEA how dire the financial situation is.  


I don't WANT him to know....I am ashamed of where I am financially, and trying to take some steps to fix it.  But I am 53, and not like I can easily rebuild. 


My question is how do I stop doing things for him?  Is there something I can remind myself, or something easier to say?

Planted the garden: 11/1/2018
See what grows: 5/1/2019
Message 1 of 10
Frequent Contributor

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

While you initial thoughts might be to fight through your financial difficulties alone, I suggest you think through things again and seek to come to come up with the courage to tell your SO about the situation that you two are collectively facing.

It sounds like this isn’t a situation that you’ve solely put yourself in. I’m sure some of the financial decisions have been for his needs, wants, and desires.

I think you’ll find a weight has been lifted off you if this becomes an issue that you can both tackle together.

Just my thoughts. Good luck however it works out.
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Message 2 of 10
Established Contributor

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

Is there any community resources for him, Section 8 Housing. Is his disability covered by Medicare, and he needs help with medicines? 


Hard to tell the extend if it's basic essential needs, food, housing, medical resources? Or does this go into more material things or wants? 


Remind yourself, of your needs now, the need to be free of financial burdens, and the stressful worklife and overtime hours to make your ends meet. 


I agree you need to calmly express it, I wouldn't understand why you do not want him to know though. Unless you did overextend without him asking and you have guilt of the financial position you are in now. It is not too late for you to rebuild at ALL. 

Message 3 of 10
Established Member

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

He is on disability and has medicaid and does not need help with his medicines.


We have been together for 10 years, I have no intention of putting him in Section 8 housing. I am not trying to rid myself of him, more trying to understand what it is in me that feels like buying him things is the right thing to do. It's materials things and wants.

Planted the garden: 11/1/2018
See what grows: 5/1/2019
Message 4 of 10
Established Member

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

Yes, a majority of this has been for his needs/wants/desires to be sure.  


I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to feel guilty.  He has no ability to help financially at all.  My income in 5 days is more than his in a month.  He does things around the house and yard that I couldn't do or afford to do. 



Planted the garden: 11/1/2018
See what grows: 5/1/2019
Message 5 of 10
Established Member

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

Do you find yourself doing the same for other relationships (not necessarily romantic) or even previous ones? You doing things for him - is this something he has asked or are you doing it without him explicitly saying it?


You might have an unhealthy relationship with money, but your tendency to overextend yourself might be caused by other underlying issues.

Message 6 of 10

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

Doesn’t sound healthy to me at all. I highly suggest counseling for you. Ive been married 8 years we talk about everything together including working on our finances together. If you cant go to him I suggest therapy. Gl!!
Message 7 of 10
Established Contributor

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

I'm so sorry you're going through this @Just1Starfish - I relate to this in so many ways. I have never been able to talk about finances with ANYONE until I started dating my SO. Even then, it took almost 2 years before I could even open up about my financial issues. And then one day, I FINALLY let everything out, and he was so much more understanding than I thought anyone could be. A huge weight was lifted off of me, and I was able to make steps to make things right. You don't have to carry the burden for both of you. In fact, he is probably aware, to some extent, of the sacrifices you are making. Just know that nothing is insurmountable. This is such a wonderful community, and I only wish that I had found this place sooner and that I opened up to my SO earlier. Good luck to you. Heart

October 2019:

Message 8 of 10
Regular Contributor

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

Get out now.  You're being used and abused.


Then get some time with a therapist.    Your self sacrificing behavious is something to look into.


Then start enjoying life again.



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Message 9 of 10

Re: SO has NOOOOO idea

If you don't put yourself first you might end up in the same situation as him, he's your anchor. You have to always put your best interest first, ESPECIALLY when it's this bad... it's not like you're lending a couple hundred dollars... this anchor is going to drag you under and you're going to drown as well as him... harsh, but true!

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Message 10 of 10
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