Struggling with BF past financial history.......!

[specialksauce]

BF before we officially starting dating told me about the skeletons in his closet before I made a huge decision to move 3000 miles to be with him. Huge risk, yes. His skeletons were that in his words " wouldn't be able to financially buy anything or do anything for a couple years" He proceeded to tell me about two foreclosures, fed tax lien, and a voluntary repo. I thought ok,  couple years until we can buy a house etc I can deal with that. He is not a dishonest person whatsoever. 

Now, this was before I came acrross these boards and knew about credit and all that. I have excellent credit and have always paid everything on time, no matter what. Had NO CLUE what his credit actually looked like. I believed he just had those issues (from a previous marraige) and it would be solved within a year or two. 

WELL, not only was he in MAJOR denial about his situation, I finally made the decision to fix his credit (partly b/c I wasn't working and had time to do and he didnt seem to think to do it himself) because renting instead of buying seemed silly when he was making almost 70k a year. Pulled his reports and found 24 negative accounts. He didn't seem to think it was necessary to tell me he had a 56k heloc charge off and multiple collection accounts from various credit card charge off's totalling over 50k. Thank god those were past SOL except the heloc charge off. 

I asked him why in hell he didn't do anything about it and he siad his now ex wife refused to declare bankruptcy so he had to do what his wife at the time wanted and just gave up. 

So for the next 6 years he is paying off his 55k in federal tax liens, his 20k debt to his mother, his 5k medical bill, his other 4k medical bill he owes to me b/c I put on my credit card so he didn't get sued, his heloc CO that he needs to settle (the heloc needs to be settled before a mortgage ever comes into play...so basically needs to find another 10k.) 

I am honestly struggling with his financial past. For a while I was okay with it because I was fixing it. But now It's stressing me out more and more. He is super grateful that I have fixed his credit to the tune of a 100 point gain in 6 months. He'll get defensive b/c there is nothing he can do to change the past and he is stuck on the fact that he told me his financial past before we started dating. Doesn't seem to believe he left out a huge part of it all. 

What is a girl to do....

[starry1]

I wouldn't blame him for it, people run into hard times.  If he is willing to pay it all off and get his credit fixed I don't see the problem.

[specialksauce]

He's willing to fix it but I have to do all the work otherwise it wouldn't get done. I am starting to resent the fact that I have to remind him to be an adult and pay things on time or to call a creditor. He's 37 and still protraying his bad habits from 6 years ago ie. not paying utilities on time or me having to remind him 5 times that the medical bill is due. When I moved here he had a stack of bills piled high, unopened  from CA's and the hospital b/c he just didn't know what to do with it. It's not so much the amount of debt its the approach of it all. 

Sorry, i'm just venting and just need to get it out 

[Startome]

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@specialksauce wrote:

He's willing to fix it but I have to do all the work otherwise it wouldn't get done. I am starting to resent the fact that I have to remind him to be an adult and pay things on time or to call a creditor. He's 37 and still protraying his bad habits from 6 years ago ie. not paying utilities on time or me having to remind him 5 times that the medical bill is due. When I moved here he had a stack of bills piled high, unopened  from CA's and the hospital b/c he just didn't know what to do with it. It's not so much the amount of debt its the approach of it all. 

Sorry, i'm just venting and just need to get it out 

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No need to apologize for that, we're here to help any way we can, and if that includes just being a listening ear, then that's also what we'll do =)

On the topic, it's good that he appreciates everything you do for him, but he needs to take management for his actions. If he has a smart phone, setting all his reminders on his calendar (the phone will go off and alert him when one of his events comes time) may help him remember, I do it all the time. Setting all utilities and credit due dates, with both a reminder a week before, and a reminder the morning of the last day. He'd have to figure out what works for him, but he needs to get to the point where he can take responsibility for his part of the work =)

I know in my relationship, I know how DGF is with numbers.... and we've agreed for years when the time came, I would handle all the finances, but she's also responsible enough to remind me when payments are due, it's a good balance, because it's possible to do yourself, but it sure can be a lot to manage.

[starry1]

Well that makes sense.  I totally understand him avoiding bills because he didn't know how to tackle them.  I went through that a couple of years ago, just putting my  head in the sand and avoiding all the problem past-due stuff.  But yeah, the whole not paying current utility bills and stuff on time, I completely understand where you're coming from on that.  It sounds like he needs to take a bit more responsibility.

[LearningMoreAboutCredit]

I agree with everything other posters have mentioned.  I would like to add that maybe you should suggest that since you have more time on your hands in addition to getting his credit straightened out, you could become the money manager in regard to monthly expenses.  That way, you don't become behind on those as well.  Another thing, introduce him to this site and others that help in improving credit.  If he is receptive to the idea, then it is a win for both of you and your relationship.

[drkaje]

From what I'm reading: The behavior really hasn't changed, OP is just cleaning up the mess.

It really comes down to what quality of life they'll have once things are cleaned and how much strain the process (itself) puts on their relationship. OP isn't working right now and with so many negative accounts and debts to deal with, it's gonna be a minute before they're buying a house.

Sadly, He probably thought the information was detailed enough for her to make a clear decision.

[LearningMoreAboutCredit]

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@drkaje wrote:

From what I'm reading: The behavior really hasn't changed, OP is just cleaning up the mess.

It really comes down to what quality of life they'll have once things are cleaned and how much strain the process (itself) puts on their relationship. OP isn't working right now and with so many negative accounts and debts to deal with, it's gonna be a minute before they're buying a house.

Sadly, He probably thought the information was detailed enough for her to make a clear decision.

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That is why I made the suggestion I did.  Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...teach him how to fish, he eats for a lifetime.  Most knowledge is gained through experience.

[armichic]

I thought I was reading my own story for a minute so I TOTALLY get it! My first experience with credit was as a young naive college student 20+ years ago but once I got a grip on it I becamse very protective of my credit rating because I soon realized beyond the desure to own homes and cars and things was the fundamental need to be able to get access to credit in an emergency situation. My first husband was not forthright at all about a very similar situation that your BF is in and after we were married I found out that he had over 100k in tax liens and student loan debt because he had allowed a brother to put income in his name and he borrowed student loan money when he was in college even though his parents were footing the bill and partied...years later with no degree he was still in denial and living on cash only. Once I realized his situation I didn't divulge my credit status even though I was sitting at only 590 at the time..I still had 2 cards with available credit and many times when he spent his has dime, I would be able to get groceries or gas and tell him I borrowed from a family member. I went into subsequent relationships very wary about the credit status of my partner. My next BF had great credit and actually coached me through my bankruptcy (we had other issues). So by the time I got to husband 2 I was the one in control of the finanices. He had a bankruptcy and was rebuilding creedit but only in thought not in deed. he was still paying late and only minimum, still living check to check cause he couldn't say no to family members and still living above his means. I began managing our finances 2 months into our marriage and over the next 2 years and a haf brought our scores up to high 700 which qualified us for great interest rates on our new vehicles and property. Fast forward to a year ago and now going thorugh divorce 2 I am still ina better state compared to him because he has reverted to his old habilts using his high credit score to buy another new vehicle (60K) and a new boat (30k) and maxed out credit cards buying toys. meanwhile I have been disciplined and the only reason I have a balance on my cards is Im putting my daughter through college and have helped out some friends in the past year who have been laid off (we are govt employees) and who helped me in the past.

All that to say this, when it comes to money and relationships, I personally don't believe there is one right or wrong answer. Having been in those in which there was little truth and those in which there was complete transparency, the most important thing is what you are willing to do. You may need to take charge of the finances but it has to be something you both agree that will happen that way or it will always be an issue...and the number one reason couples break up...in all that you are doing for him be resolved that you cannot change him and if you are sinking your hole into a constant debt, is that something you are willing to do? He may never change his habits. my ex was always saying yes to family members and then I had to start turning those yes's into no's or we would never get anywhere..as you see we never did get anywhere-the break up (he left me) was over him lying about money. He purchased something online using the wrong checking account, knew about it and didnt say anything 1 day before 4 mortgages were about to be drafted so all kinds of over limit charges started a snowball effect. it was totally unecessary because there was tons on cash in an emergency fund in another bank that could have been transferred so I cursed him out-wrong but he deserved it-and he left me saying basically he couldn't take my passive aggressive responses to him over money. I have 2 college age children to think about that are more important than his selfish hurt pride so while he has been gone I have had no help from him but I make a very good salary and can afford to take care of me and then some because I am disciplined, I drive my 2007 paid off honda even though I want an Audi and I believe in helping my children suceed in life and still I am able to help others who are in bad situations.

Basically I am saying, don't let this be your story. Decide now what you are willing to do deal with and deal with it. The guy I am dating now has had some minor credit problems that he was very honest with me about. An unpaid medical bill that he wasn't aware of while he was on military duty and old utility bills that were late. He is in school with plans of applying for medical school so he is preparing now for the credit requirements the Army has for the medical school applicants. I have helped him out since he is now in shcool fulltime and only receives part time pay from tutoring and drill pay once a month and we have agreed on the difference between a loan and a gift up front. He is not materialistic so rather than buy him things for his birthday or Christmas, I have paid for school books for the semester or something tangible toward his future career. He has proven to me he can be disciplined by paying off his truck and other recurring bills when he has had a lump sum payment.  In a relationship there is no predefined notion of who makes more or how to define roles when it comes to money but historically it is the man who is expected to be the breadwinner so it is hard for them to admit needing help and to conceding to our help. If you love him and if you want a future with this man, start thinking in terms of "for better or for worse" from now...best of luck!

[drkaje]

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@LearningMoreAboutCredit wrote:

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@drkaje wrote:

From what I'm reading: The behavior really hasn't changed, OP is just cleaning up the mess.

It really comes down to what quality of life they'll have once things are cleaned and how much strain the process (itself) puts on their relationship. OP isn't working right now and with so many negative accounts and debts to deal with, it's gonna be a minute before they're buying a house.

Sadly, He probably thought the information was detailed enough for her to make a clear decision.

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That is why I made the suggestion I did.  Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...teach him how to fish, he eats for a lifetime.  Most knowledge is gained through experience.

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I always thought it was "GIve a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and his wife hates you forever."