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Friends making bad mistakes?

Super Contributor

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

I have 3 sisters.  I would tell your friend the same thing I would tell them.  Dump the guy  ASAP.  She is heading for an abusive relationship and its only going o get worse.  She would never be able to change him.
2/11/2020: FICO 843 EQ 848 TU 850 EX
Message 11 of 17
Established Contributor

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

We are living in different states right now and so I can't really introduce her to anyone else.
And yes she does see him as a project. I think he is one of those guys that plays mind games, "the ooh I want to be with you so badly......change everything about yourself".
And I agree she just wants someone to love her, isn't it so sad how our relationships with our fathers can have such an impact in our lives?  :-(
She went to a counselor twice last year but says she doesn't want to go anymore because it wastes her Saturdays. 
I'm just worried that she isn't going to go to a good grad school because she wants to stay and be with him.

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Message 12 of 17
Regular Contributor

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

@Bella1980 wrote:
Yeah I know.....I just am so frustrated and fed up of hearing about this guy...cos it just gets worse and worse.
Who knows,maybe she can change him!

I think staying in any relationship in hopes of changing the flaws of another is an exercise in futility.

And here is something else I have learned, the more you try to break someone up (generic you , here) the more likely they are to cling to the person you think they should break up with. Human nature is funny like that. Sometimes folks have to go through the whole trial and error experience before they learn important lessons.

And then there are others who never learn from their mistakes. I am related to quite a few people like this. No matter how much you point out that their patterns of behaviour, or their plans amount to failed results, they somehow see you as an enemy who isn't supportive of their goals.
July 08 FICO TU/683 EQ/629 EX/658
Goal: 700+ by June 09
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.
Message 13 of 17
Established Contributor

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

I agree... stay out of it. If she does this frequently (which it sounds like she does), the best you can do is be a friend to her when it's over with.
Counseling her now will go unheeded, and if you try immediately after the breakup she'll think you're heartless. Best to wait until she's over it and offer comparisons to her past relationships.
08/01/2008 - 472 EQ; 523 TU; 454 EX
03/01/2009 - 574 EQ
08/08/2009 - 648 EQ
01/27/2010 - 671 EQ
07/04/2010 - 713 EQ
01/05/2011 - 730 EQ
05/14/16 - 762 EX
Message 14 of 17
Super Contributor

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

If the abuse turns physical (odds are very high that it will) you would have to act.  I would gladly trade a freindship to save someone from physical harm.  I hope it doesnt come to that.
2/11/2020: FICO 843 EQ 848 TU 850 EX
Message 15 of 17
Established Contributor

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

@Bella1980 wrote:
My friend who also has credit issues just started dating a guy that is awful...makes racist remarks to her, belittles her,makes her feel like a loser for having bad credit and seems to be overly possessive.
I have tried to tell her to just dump the guy as they have only known each other 2 weeks but she says she is hooked to him and she loves how he is honest and calls her out on her **bleep**.
I think she is crazy, he is an **bleep** and just because he is rude doesn't make him a good guy. I can see the heartbreak coming and I feel like she should as well as she has dated 4 losers in the last year.
Am I being too harsh on her because she just can't seem to learn from her mistakes? should I wait patiently and ready to help her when the ineveitable S**t hits the fan? Or should I just not even concern myself with that crap and live my life and feel no symphathy when it goes bad?

we humans are funny little creatures. whenever i hear stories like this i can so relate. my philosophy on this is fairly simple: the problem is not with the man(although he is clearly not a good person) the problem is with your friend.

i firmly believe that who we date is a direct reflection of who we are emotionally. If your friends keeps attracting the same guy (just a different name) then to me it signals that it is time for her to do some soul searching. What is it that is going on within her that make her mistake bad treatment for love/affection? what can she do to fix those issues?

I firmly believe that once you have fixed yourself your dating problems will be significantly decreased.

I had these same issues, so what i did was completely stop dating and i focused on me and fixing my dependency issues and low self worth. after about one year i was feeling good about me and what i was worth. along came this wonderful guy, and 3 years later we are about to get married. he treats me much better than any man in my life ever has and i am so grateful for it!

the catch here is that your friend has got to figure this thing out on her own. there is really nothing you can do to fix this for her. what i did for my best friend was just support her through her woes and give her verbal reinforcement and gentile advice. I tried my best to remind her that she is worth more than what she is getting. eventually she saw that, and she is making significant progress now.
FICOs: (as of 12-10-08): EX 759 | (as of 01-24-10): EQ 794 TU 756 EX ? | (as of 3-17-11): EQ 794 TU 790 EX ?

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Message 16 of 17
Moderator Emerita

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

From "Dear Abby" -- 15 warning signs of abuse :

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

And she's been in at least 2 other bad relationships? Those counseling sessions weren't "a waste of Saturdays"; my guess is that they were getting too uncomfortable, and she was about to have to see something that she didn't want to see.
* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
Message 17 of 17
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