SmorgasBoard

[Noah_Bodie]

This floated around 4 or 5 years ago and I got a copy via Email.

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/41510/Annoying_Telemarketers.html

Version I saw was slightly different, but close enough to serve as a great script.

Either MCI or Sprint called me maybe 3 to 4 years ago, and I had it still fresh in my head. Think it was MCI. Got through a piece of it. I was about to lose it when the telemarketer hung up on me.

Me: Hello?
Caller: Is this Mr. Bodie?
Me: Yes.
Caller: This is MCI.
Me: This is MCI?
Caller: Yes this is MCI.
Me: Is this MCI?
Caller: Yes this is MCI.
Me: Like, the phone company?
Caller: Yes sir, the phone company.
Me: Heh, wait a minute. I thought you said this was MCI.
Caller: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: Is this some kind of subliminal thing. Because I heard about this on Jerry Springer.

click

[Noah_Bodie]

If you're no good doing improv, try one of these. You pick up, answer, it's a telemarketer.

1. "Hello." Whatever they say, you just respond "Hello."
2. Say, "I don't speak any English, at all." Don't attempt to put on a fake accent. Whatever they say next, respond "I really don't speak any English, at all." They'll likely start to boil, and might even scream or swear at you, if they don't hang up. Respond, "I'm sorry, you caught me at a bad time, and I don't speak any English, at all."
3. Whisper, "You have to keep your voice down. He's sleeping." When they start to talk, shush them. Again in a whisper, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I told you. He's sleeping." When then start talking again, shush them again, and in a whisper say, "Shhhhh. Please. Don't do this to me. He's sleeping. Don't you understand."

Whether you pick 1, 2 or 3, the telemarketer likely won't stay on past 30 seconds or so. If they do, just start repeating one of the phrases to everything they say.

[Noah_Bodie]

For you romantic types, you can always hit on the telemarketer. Cheesy or overtly sexual pickup lines are best. You can probably think up tons of them. Doesn't matter if you're male or female, and doesn't matter whether the caller is male or female.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm. You sound hot."

"So, what are you wearing?"

"Heh, what's your sign?"

"Come here often?"

"Wanna come back to my place?"

"You into anything kinky?"

"Talk dirty to me."

[MidnightVoice]

When they said they were a telemarketer I always us to say "Oh bother, and I thought you were the AIDs clinic calling in with my test results" 

[billiards]

You guys are GOOD! I'm going to have to remember some of these!

[bsf56]

LOL....these are too funny! 

[Noah_Bodie]

My kids frequently use straws, and there's often a cup of something left sitting on the kitchen counter with a straw in it.

For my next trick, my plan is to use my Stoner Dude personae, then while the telemarketer is mid-ramble, chime in and interrupt.

"Hang on a momentito there dude."

[Pick up the cup, and start blowing bubbles into the straw.]

"Whoa! Oh, man. Awesome. Dude, I like, just some serious munchies. Can you like, hold the phone for a sec. Gotta like go raid the frig."

I'm told, as I have no personal experience in this area, there is the possibility of conveying the message I am doing something other than blowing bubbles into a cup.

[HappyDays]

This thread is *AWESOME*    keep it going

Haven't had a good laugh in a long time.

[Tuscani]

This wasn't actually me.. but I remember reading this several months ago on another forum:

---

Me, Yes this is XXXXX, how can I help you?

Scummy Lawyer: You can help me by paying off this debt you owe (I am not kidding I was floored)

Me: Well sir perhaps you could tell me a little bit more about this debt.

SL: It is a Utility bill owed by you for a bill with OH ED.

Me: Sir, can you tell me what year this bill is from as I have filed BK7 and have not had service with OH ED for a very long time.

SL: The bill is from 1994, it was transferred to Genesis in 2000 and then to us this year.

Me: well sir, you actually have no right to collect on that debt as it was included in a chapter 7 BK before your offices bought it.

here where I about choked from laughter, God this people are morons.

SL: Well Ma'am, you may have discharged your obligation to OH ED and Genisis Financial, but we own this debt now and you did NOT include us in your bankruptcy.

At this point I just laughed, told him I would be sending him some mail today and advised him against reporting this "debt" to the CRAs until he gets my mail.
This guy sounded like a 1 man operation, perhaps someone trying to break into the collections world. What an IDIOT!

[billiards]

These are GREAT! But, I know there are more out there! C'mon y'all! We all want to hear more.

DJ