Assisted Living....suggestions?

[daisyduke]

My mother suffers from dementia. She is only 74, but she is at the point where some decisions will need to be made. She is unable to take care of herself. She doesn't eat, weighs 85 pounds....very sad...She doesn't live near me or my sister, (the only two kids)  but in another city, another part of the state. She has been really careless lately, putting bills and papers on top of the stove. She lives alone...She's on oxygen and suffers from hardening of the artieries to her brain...hence the dementia. She has good days where she will talk your ear off about politics....then very bad days, she doesn't remember anything she said, how much medicine she took...etc

I don't know where to start.

What to look for in assisted living? What questions to ask? Where to find the dirt on these types of communities? complaints, etc.

My sister and I will have to find some sort of solution. I just don't know where to start....want to make good decisions.

any advice/help would be appreciated.

[haulingthescoreup]

Here's just an initial thought about geographic area. My mother lives nearly 400 miles away from me, and I'm the only child. She's in her early 80's, decent health, mostly pretty sharp, but I'm starting to see some things that make me jump. She investigated continuum of care communities and similar set-ups, but with the God-sent help of a jack-of-all-trades who keeps everything fixed and running, and checks on her daily, she's staying in her house.

The deal I cut with her is that as long as she knows where she is and what's going on, we will do whatever it takes, including spending down her entire estate, to keep her in her current city. But if and when the day comes that she no longer recognizes her friends, and therefore doesn't really benefit from their visits, and is too demented to be able to tell me about abusive treatment, I'm moving her here to where I can see her and know that she's being treated well.

If your mom doesn't have a lot of close contacts that visit her regularly, and she's no longer firing on all her cylinders, you might want to be looking at facilities in your town or your sister's town. There's no point in trying to keep her where she is if she really doesn't have (or soon won't have) meaningful contacts there.

[daisyduke]

thank you Hauling for your thoughtful response....My mother wants to stay in her house, but my sister and I want her to move closer so that we can see her more often, take care of her more. I'm not sure about us being equipped to deal with dementia, but that currently, is on and off, not constant. She does have a lot of close friends, two of them stop by quite frequently to check on her. My sister and I live close to each other, but our mom doesn't have any family in her area, just friends, which she is continuing to burden with her plethora of health problems.

I think there needs to be two plans....short term (what to do right now, get her a nurse to check in daily) and long term (what to do when the dementia gets worse)....

[demi]

Think about checking with the Senior/Aging agencies in the area....Alliance on aging, etc. for recommendations and help.

One thing I have heard, and saw it come true in two instances, that moving someone with Alzheimers can greatly increase the onset of the disease.  I had a friend who actually sold their house and bought a bigger one so his mother could move in, and within a month or two they had to put her in a home (she was previously living on her own, and doing ok).  This was Alzheimers, I don't know how it would affect other instances.

Its tough.  I personally, if she is comfortable and happy, would keep her there as long as possible.  But every case is different.

[Anonymous]

This is a website, that might give you some insight.  It is also just a good place to go to read or post if you want and get some feed back also some support.  Vicki

http://www.aarp.org/community/groups/displayTopics.bt?pageNum=1&groupId=92

[daisyduke]

Thanks Vicki - I perused the website....My sister and I just picked up our mother on Friday from the hospital and we spent the weekend with her and moved her to Philly - she will be living with my sister for now. It's so sad, the dementia, actually heartbreaking...this happened so fast. .